I was feeling out of sorts. Exhausted, but worse. No sense of life. No desire to do anything. Just felt dead inside, like my life had come to a halt.
When thinking about something I might want to engage in, I kept saying things like, “I don’t know” and “I don’t care.” As someone who had always loved writing and teaching, I heard myself saying, “I have nothing more to say. There’s nothing I can or want to write or teach anyone. I’m done.”
I thought my recent vacation would help — and it did alleviate my exhaustion. But it didn’t change my lethargy, my lack of desire to do anything more with my life. When I returned home from my wonderful vacation time, I felt refreshed for sure. But inside, my pulse was still silent.
Friday night, I typed a medical transcription about heart health. I even looked at pictures of a heart to help me get the words right. If you don’t know the path I’ve been tiptoeing down, this might not seem like a big deal. Trust me, it is. A week ago, I could not have done any of that. This was a huge breakthrough beyond anything I could have expected. It came from the healing work God did in my own heart five days earlier.
I recently experienced a horrendous fall off a cliff. I live on the side of a mountain which has a pitch of about 45 degrees (no exaggeration). A construction project 2 years ago included construction of a concrete retaining wall 12 feet from the house capped with a concrete patio (with a deck 20’ above). The drop from the patio to the ground is roughly six feet. You see it coming, don’t you? Don’t get ahead. Listen.
I was the firstborn in my family of four children. My parents believed in God. My mother grew up going to a Baptist church. I am not sure if my dad went to church growing up. When I was a small child, they took us to a Baptist church where we heard about Jesus. God was not talked about in the home, and I don’t remember my parents praying with me or reading the Bible. The mindset in those days seemed to be that spiritual teaching came from the church. It was more of something you believed with your mind, rather than a personal relationship with God.
Years ago, because of fear, confusion, and lack of wisdom, I made decisions that still have a profound effect on my life. I allowed myself to be a doormat, and the enemy took advantage. I’m still living with the consequences.
I’ve been through a lot of healing, repentance, forgiveness. I started on a journey to walk free of fear, and while I’m still in progress, I’ve come a long way. I have less fear, more wisdom, and I’m discovering that I don’t need to be a doormat. That’s not my true identity. It’s not who God created me to be.
But what about those consequences. Would I ever get free of those? Do I get a year of jubilee?
The unhealed parts of our hearts do affect people around us. I didn’t really believe that statement fully until this past spring when a potential tragedy occurred at my workplace. I am an administrative assistant at a school with 400 students and 60 employees.
The bell rang to start the school day when a teacher rushed up to the front desk and said with alarm, “I smell gas, do you?” The receptionist called the Principals to the area who smelled gas too, so they immediately evacuated the building. A gas leak was discovered in the pipes in the ceiling of our building. Due to a teacher’s sense of smell, a tragedy was averted. That day helped me to realize the importance of being able to smell.
I had lost my sense of smell 24 years ago during the birth of my son. Or so I had thought.
Several years ago, my head began shaking. When I would look down to read something, it was more pronounced. My children, family, and friends gradually began commenting, so it was getting more noticeable.
I went to a prayer ministry session during this time, and the minister saw a snake (spiritually) circling up my spine. The prayer minister knew that yoga could cause this, resulting in nervous system disorders and worse. I had been doing yoga for about two years. My situation had only gotten to head shaking. I repented of it (never to do yoga again!) and closed doors, and my head stopped shaking. So that’s how I know firsthand how dangerous this is.
I was born into an upper middle class home, never lacking for anything materially, and yet lacking in spiritual freedom. Growing up as a child, I felt like I always had a dark cloud over my head. I was probably not depressed but just kind of sad and empty, no joy. And yet, I had all of my physical needs met.
Frustration, anguish, and shame permeated my being. How could a seemingly insignificant secret cause such pain?
My nephew moved his family of six across the state line for a new job and a fresh start when illness struck. His wife was taking care of their three little ones at home with health issues. My niece was in the hospital alone. And I couldn’t get there to help. My little secret was exposed. I couldn’t drive on the interstate, or for any distance really, without having a full-blown panic attack.