Do You Know Who You Are?

Do you know who you are? Do you know who God created you to be?

Most people don’t know, but they are searching. I call this an “identity quest.”

How about you? Are you in search of your identity?

If you’re on an identity quest, know that you are not alone. You are in very good company. Many of us are on the same journey. There is a whole tribe of us, and it grows bigger every day.

Getting to know your own heart is a key to discovering your true identity. I hope you will find some keys here to help you along your journey.

Start with Your Heart

If you would like to know who you really are … if you are on an identity quest … start by looking at what’s in your heart.

What are your gifts?

What are you dreams?

Who do you want to be, when you grow up (in God)?

Don’t just skim over those questions. Take some time. Take each of those questions before the Lord, and listen. Listen to your heart. Listen to God.

Keep a Journal

Do you have a journal? Excellent! How about getting out your journal, and go over those three questions again. Write down whatever comes to your heart.

Or draw what you feel. Sometimes drawing images can help you get in touch with your heart in a deeper way than with words.

Do that for each question. Really get to know your heart, and the desires God has put into your heart.

If you don’t have a journal, you’ll want one, especially if you are on an identity quest. You’ll want a place to cathart, draw, write, pray. Tear out a page, crumple it, and toss it on a bad day. Write the things you want to talk to God about. Write what you are hearing from Him.

To read the next article in this series, please visit Who Are You?

Here is a link to all articles in the Identity Quest series.

He’s All We Have

“All my hope is in Jesus.”

Yeah, yeah … sounds religious, I know, but the older I get, the more I believe it. Most days, I believe it. Others days, I just want to chunk it all and hit the road. I am learning that overcoming the mundane can be as poignant as overcoming great tragedy. I think Jesus is more interested in how we overcome the mundane than how we overcome great pain.

Sounds crazy, I know, but when I minister to someone who has been through a traumatic event, it is easy to identify and address. We can pinpoint the specific time, place, and space of the trauma, and the paths of healing are not difficult to navigate.

Navigating life is different. Don’t always know where the pain starts, stops, or oftentimes why it even exists. Navigating life can often be like hanging onto the bumper of a runaway truck. Continue reading “He’s All We Have”

How to Overcome Bitterness in Marriage

Question: “I can’t seem to let go of bitterness regarding my spouse. How do I move beyond my lack of relational skills to keep my heart open and not carry offense?”

Often (especially women) we keep a list with little “tick marks” of disappointments in our relationships. We have been taught not to be “nagging or difficult” so we save up our frustrations. Once the barrel of irritations fills up, we explode. We bring out all of the hurts we have been harboring for days, weeks, even possibly months. Suddenly, almost before we know it, we have hurled our pain and injustices all over our victim like slime.

Their response can only be to react in defense or to shrug their shoulders and walk away, unaware of the emotional time bomb that previously lay dormant below the surface. Not only do they not know how to respond, but they also make inner vows not to lay their heart out before you again. You cannot be trusted. So now, the relational stalemate begins and more offense, except this time, hurt and betrayal by both parties. Bitterness won.

First of all, just know that you are not alone. Unfortunately, we aren’t taught how to “fight fair.” Even though scripture teaches us clearly “not to let the sun go down on our anger” (Ephesians 4:26). We aren’t sure what that looks like.

I have learned that no matter what the circumstance, I cannot allow seeds of bitterness to take root in my heart. I used to “save up” until I realized my reactional pounce left my spouse hurt and guarded to the next eruption. If you can imagine, it’s like walking around a field of emotional time bombs resting beneath the surface. We finally learned that no matter what the circumstance, we have to talk about it before we go to bed, even if it’s just to agree to disagree.

My spouse is a processor. He wants to talk about and process through everything, from relationships to home projects. It is a blessing and a curse. I, on the other hand, am a reflector. I need time to reflect on processes. If I am hurt, I need to pull away and gather myself and my thoughts.

Early in our marriage, I used to create an opportunity for time away by screaming out of the driveway in my car. Luckily, my “processing spouse” taught me that this made him feel abandoned and alone. I didn’t know what the answer was, but I knew I just needed time to ponder and reflect on not only the circumstance but also how I was feeling about the circumstance. Most importantly, I needed to tame my tongue of all the things I had been feeling and stuffing for so long. I had to figure out a way to deal with hurts as soon as they happened and not to store them up until I erupted.

I would often find myself playing out shoulda, coulda, wouldas instead of focusing on the solution. I would sequester myself and listen to the negativity in my head until I was seething all over again. It became a vicious cycle. And with each circle I became more and more bitter. Before long, the small misunderstanding became an avalanche of premeditated hurt. All the while, my spouse was absolutely clueless of what I was conjuring up in my head.

When we finally came to an impasse, we sought out a few simple solutions based on scripture:

1. Do not harbor bitterness (Hebrews 12:15).
2. Do not let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26).
3. Do not let the enemy gain a foothold (Ephesians 4:27).

In simple terms, we decided to talk the minute questions occur. We decided to decide that we are on the same team. It’s obvious there is an enemy out there who desires to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). If we aren’t on his team, we have to be on the opposing team.

If there is a misunderstanding, the minute it occurs, we have to rally our troops to respond – not react.

Over time, if we keep our accounts of offense short, there is no room for misunderstandings or for the enemy to plant seeds of doubt and mistrust in our heads. And if there are no seeds in our head, there is nothing offensive to slide down into our mouth to “chew on.” If we have no offense to chew on, we then can choose to walk in peace.

Most importantly, once married, we become one. Discontent divides. Division destroys. Marriages can’t survive in either of those two options. If we agree on the same rules, we win. And if the rules are vetted in scripture, it’s truth. In truth, the enemy has no power. No room for bitterness there. No bitterness, no hard hearts.

If we keep our hearts open and walk in truth, there are no landmines, no slime, no verbal assaults. Just an opportunity to learn, love, and grow in relationships, planted firmly in the promise of what marriage is supposed to be as it was created by God: Good!

We Have to Move Through the Cross

Can you see other people as God created them to be? Can you see yourself that way?

We all struggle with this. That’s because we’re holding onto things that block us from seeing.

We have to come through the cross. All that stuff we’re carrying –- that baggage, the things we’ve put on ourselves, our false identities, our addictions -– whatever it is, we have to bring it to the cross. Then we have to let it go and move through the cross, to the other side.

Everything has to come through the cross. Continue reading “We Have to Move Through the Cross”

Exchanging Trauma for Peace

Trauma affects mind, body, and spirit. Trauma can lock itself into our bodies. As adults, we can carry unresolved trauma from earlier in our lives. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. He wants us to invite Him into our hearts, where we’ve carried trauma. So He can redeem, restore, and bring peace.

I used to have flashbacks of traumatic moments. When I was a child, we lived just off the main corridor highway leading from a prison. Often, when the prisoners would escape, they would run the railroad tracks, connect to our road, and then get on the four-lane to get out of town. Prisoners would come through our yard and snatch the clothes off our line.

So at night, I would hear the sirens go off and I would cower in the corner. Can you imagine the trauma?

Years later, as an adult, I would have flashbacks of me cowering in a corner. I didn’t understand at first, but those were hints the Holy Spirit was giving me, of places that were still unhealed in my heart.

While I didn’t immediately connect those flashbacks with the prisoners coming through our yard, I knew not to discount the images I was seeing. Instead, I brought them before the Lord and said, “Lord, why did You show me that?”

When I realized where the trauma had come from, I was able to go back to the Lord and say, “Lord, I can see that image of myself. Where were You?” And I could see Him with me in that scene now, protecting me.

He brings those things to our remembrance for a reason. Not to scare us and not to make us angry about the circumstances – angry at parents who didn’t comfort us, or at people who didn’t know how to respond as our little hearts needed.

Instead, the Lord brings these moments to mind, to give us an opportunity to recognize that He never left us and never forsook us.

For some people, the trauma comes from violence. Or maybe a car accident. A death of a loved one. All those things are traumatic. Just imagine seeing those things from the eyes of a child. Children don’t know how to process traumatic events without help. Often, adults don’t realize how something traumatic has affected a child.

I remember growing up, we had family friends that lived in a funeral home, go figure. One of the kids locked me in the coffin room. I was probably five. So here I was, looking at all these coffins. I was scared to death, almost, no pun intended. But imagine. That was a trauma for me.

Think about things children go through, that they aren’t capable of processing. How might a child respond to hearing prisoners in the yard at night? Cowering in fear. Locking fear into her body. Believing a lie that she was never safe at night. Or that things would always go wrong. Closing off part of her heart. Resolving to take care of herself, or to not need help. All these responses, out of self-preservation, set patterns in motion that affect our lives.

Most of us didn’t have somebody that said, “I know you’re afraid. I know you’re scared.” Somebody that would have pulled us close and prayed the presence of the Lord over us, or prayed trauma off of us. Most adults don’t know to do that.

So those are the things the Lord wants to redeem in us. He invites us to sit in His presence, and allow Him to redeem, restore … bring us back to right order. He does this for the sake of our own identity and for the sake of us being able to live in a Sabbath rest. That’s His best for us: that we live in a place of rest.

He wants to exchange our trauma for His peace.

 

Stop the Madness

If there is one thing I have seen more people struggle with, it’s the belief that their sin is who they are. Your sin is not your identity. Your true identity is the exact opposite of the sins you struggle with. Whatever your giftings are, whatever your calling is, the enemy will hit you with the opposite. That’s how the enemy tries to trap all of us, and keep us from walking in our identity, our destiny.

Your sin is not who you are. Don’t stay in that belief. Your parents’ sin is not who they are. Your teachers’ sin is not who they are. The man that molested you, that’s not who he is. The people that hurt you, that’s not who they are. Sin is not a person. It is evil personified. And those people hurt you because they were hurt. That is exactly the cycle the enemy has devised to keep each of us trapped.

Somebody’s got to stop this cycle. Continue reading “Stop the Madness”

Can You See Your Parents through God’s Lens?

I read something about how God used the circumstances of Jesus’ birth to save an illegitimate family, meaning us. That’s pretty profound. Jesus is the Son of God, but society would have called Him illegitimate. Yet in those very circumstances, Jesus reconciled us to God.

This made me think of how God uses every bit of our upbringing for His purposes in our lives. Have you considered that? Can you see your parents and your upbringing through that lens? That’s a key to honoring your parents.

What does it mean to honor your parents? Continue reading “Can You See Your Parents through God’s Lens?”

“I Am Not Artistic”

I am always suggesting that folks grow in the Presence of God and in Peace by participating in art, nature, music, etc. One client responded with the following:

“I am not artistic and ‘all’ that I am good at creating is food, and that’s not art.”

My response to her is that in her deciding to agree with this statement, she is hindering the Creator from flowing through her in a spirit of creativity. By doing so, she is blocking His hand in developing who He created her to be. We are created in the image of God, the Creator.

 

“When I Was Younger, I Had Two Abortions”

Question: “When I was younger, I had two abortions. Now I am so very much against abortion but inside I feel like a hypocrite. Is that normal?”

First of all, let me say that I completely understand. We often make decisions when we are young without knowing the truth (or thinking about the long-term ramifications). For example, are you aware that Norma McCorvey “Roe” of Roe v. Wade has just retracted her support of abortion? Can you imagine?! She has now become Pro-life!

As for feeling like a hypocrite, I understand that also. Ask God to forgive you for your sins and then forgive yourself. God wants more than anything to set you free from condemnation, and your repentance is the first step. Once you’ve repented, use your testimony to prevent someone else from going through the emotional despair that you have gone through AND save the life of an innocent child at the same time! That’s how we overcome sin! Use your voice and your testimony. Before long, you’ll realize all of that condemnation is gone AND God gets the glory!!!

 

“Will Not Attending Church Keep Me out of Heaven?”

Question: “I have struggled to find a church and am not attending any. Will this keep me out of Heaven?”

I’m sorry that you aren’t able to attend church right now. I do not believe that this will keep you out of heaven. I do want to encourage you to keep searching for a church. Scripture says “forsake not the fellowship” in Hebrews 10:25 and I do believe it is very important to find a church group, whether it be house church or storefront, or even a church with a steeple because we need a spiritual family. Ideally, we grow, learn, tithe, are accountable, and experience the fullness of relationship in a church family. Without that, we are alone and isolated, and that’s not good. That is a strategy of the enemy, to keep us isolated.

With that being said, I also do understand that there are seasons of change that may not allow us to “fellowship” in a “church.” But that doesn’t mean you can pull away altogether. I believe we should ALWAYS be in relationship with others who are growing in Christ and will help us to grow. Otherwise, we will fall to the wayside in our own relationship with Christ and that is detrimental to our spiritual health and our own testimony of our relationship with Jesus. There shouldn’t be anything that separates us from “a Body” other than the strategy of the enemy.