Frustration, anguish, and shame permeated my being. How could a seemingly insignificant secret cause such pain?
My nephew moved his family of six across the state line for a new job and a fresh start when illness struck. His wife was taking care of their three little ones at home with health issues. My niece was in the hospital alone. And I couldn’t get there to help. My little secret was exposed. I couldn’t drive on the interstate, or for any distance really, without having a full-blown panic attack.
Have you ever felt like one day you woke up and everything you believed was in question? I’m experiencing this right now but am quite sure I am not yet even fully awake. So, not only am I questioning all of the things that I have always “known” for sure, but I am also groggy from the process of getting here. It took a lot of upheaval to get me here.
My life plan was really unleashed at the Transformations retreat. I sat in session after session listening to women and one man being vulnerable, broken, authentic and open to healing.
I was in a session that broke off years of lies, inner vows, and a lifetime of walls that had protected my heart. A group of women repented on behalf of the church for how I had been hurt by the church, and then they washed my feet. Really, who are these women? They are God’s messengers into a broken world where our heartache, disappointment, inner vows, and generational sins keep us stuck when sometimes we have no idea why.
One peaceful morning on the retreat, I was having my quiet time down by the lake when something caught my immediate attention. I was looking towards the sun, and through the wooden beams around the deck I noticed cobwebs everywhere between each beam exposed by the sunlight. All the intricate lines and patterns were revealed, creating their own specific detailed designs.
Have you ever been “amiss” with God? I know we all get frustrated with Him but I mean, like, nothing, no feedback, lights are on but no one’s home? Not just for a day or two but for a long period of time?
Have you ever longed and cried out for Him so much that you felt like you couldn’t cry or beg anymore? Have you ever felt like your prayers were hitting the ceiling and bouncing back? Or better yet, you felt like God left in the night with no forwarding address? Have you ever measured your relationship with Him by how well you perform?
If you answered yes to any/all of the above, you may have come into a season called the Dark Night of the Soul. The Dark Night of the Soul is a period of time often described as “A Wilderness Season.”
You don’t realize how long you’ve been holding your breath until you finally start to breathe. I am living now in a depth of peace – mentally, physically, spiritually – that I’ve never experienced before. Everything is different. I’m not making it happen. It just “is.”
It started three days ago. I knew my prayer ministry session would be big by how stirred up I felt. I was almost resistant. The last time I felt that way was the breakthrough that saved my life from cancer 11 years ago, when I repented of “death wish.” So I knew this would be big. But I couldn’t have imagined what was coming.
I have been a Christian since I was 15; and not just a “church-going Christian” but also a follower of Christ, as in, I gave my life to Him, removed myself from my friends, found new friends who were like-minded, and began a life of seeking and trusting God. Sounds like everything would be great after that, right? What more could I do?
I had daily devotions, married a man who was a follower of Christ, and had many children. God was with me every step of the way and did many miraculous things in my life, and I saw lots of answers to prayer – regularly. I had a prayer group in my home, which was amazing, and we saw lots of answers to prayer on every level. And I had a church that was as close to a New Testament church as you can get that I had the privilege of being a part of for 43 years. I homeschooled and raised my 7 children in the Lord, filling them daily with the Word and teaching them about God and His ways.
Everything was rocking along pretty well until my children became teenagers. I thought homeschooling, church, and loving and caring for them as best I could would ensure godly children. You would think so! But, no, they began acting like I did as a teenager, before I was saved! So that’s when I started on a quest/search for what was missing.