I was feeling out of sorts. Exhausted, but worse. No sense of life. No desire to do anything. Just felt dead inside, like my life had come to a halt.
When thinking about something I might want to engage in, I kept saying things like, “I don’t know” and “I don’t care.” As someone who had always loved writing and teaching, I heard myself saying, “I have nothing more to say. There’s nothing I can or want to write or teach anyone. I’m done.”
I thought my recent vacation would help — and it did alleviate my exhaustion. But it didn’t change my lethargy, my lack of desire to do anything more with my life. When I returned home from my wonderful vacation time, I felt refreshed for sure. But inside, my pulse was still silent.
Friday night, I typed a medical transcription about heart health. I even looked at pictures of a heart to help me get the words right. If you don’t know the path I’ve been tiptoeing down, this might not seem like a big deal. Trust me, it is. A week ago, I could not have done any of that. This was a huge breakthrough beyond anything I could have expected. It came from the healing work God did in my own heart five days earlier.
Years ago, because of fear, confusion, and lack of wisdom, I made decisions that still have a profound effect on my life. I allowed myself to be a doormat, and the enemy took advantage. I’m still living with the consequences.
I’ve been through a lot of healing, repentance, forgiveness. I started on a journey to walk free of fear, and while I’m still in progress, I’ve come a long way. I have less fear, more wisdom, and I’m discovering that I don’t need to be a doormat. That’s not my true identity. It’s not who God created me to be.
But what about those consequences. Would I ever get free of those? Do I get a year of jubilee?
You don’t realize how long you’ve been holding your breath until you finally start to breathe. I am living now in a depth of peace – mentally, physically, spiritually – that I’ve never experienced before. Everything is different. I’m not making it happen. It just “is.”
It started three days ago. I knew my prayer ministry session would be big by how stirred up I felt. I was almost resistant. The last time I felt that way was the breakthrough that saved my life from cancer 11 years ago, when I repented of “death wish.” So I knew this would be big. But I couldn’t have imagined what was coming.